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Fifty Shades of Nope

With the recent success of the Fifty Shades franchise, many people have looked to the work of E. L. James as a recipe guide to a kinkier, more exciting sex life. With more couples than you might think interested in spicing up their bedroom, women everywhere are found in the theater waiting with bated breath for Mr. Grey to make his appearance. Now, there are more parodies than one can count, ranging from the LEGO spoof to the dramatic reading by Gilbert Gottfried.

But for those in an actual D/s (a term meaning Dominant and submissive) relationship, the series is both horrifying and offensive. Having been in a long-term relationship with my Dominant for many years now, to be portrayed in such a manner is difficult to deal with. For one, it implies that only people who are “broken” enter into such a relationship. In the book, Christian Grey is interested in finding women who look like his abusive mother in order for him to take out his repressed anger toward her on them. This is a centerpiece of the plot line, and a stereotype people in the BDSM community have been fighting for years. There is a common misconception that people who like to be whipped were probably beaten as children. This is as outlandish a concept as the idea that those molested in childhood later identify as gay. There is nothing “wrong” with me. I was never abused, beaten, or emotionally traumatized. I came to BDSM because I enjoyed its aspects, not because I was looking to fix anything.

Another thing James seems to miss is the fact that a BDSM relationship in its full form is not just one person flogging another. For me, the best parts of my relationship is the dynamic it brings to my personal life. I know that whatever happens, my Dom will always be there to care for me and keep me safe. I know, at the end of a long, stressful day, I can come home and submit to him, and know that he will deal with whatever it is I need help with. Another thing that benefits me greatly is the inherent trust we have in each other. Being bound, blindfolded and subject to the whims of someone else is not something to be taken lightly. As such, our constant and open communication is a vital element of our relationship, and serves us in all the other aspects of our life. My partner is so much more than the person who hits me.

This is not to mention, a true D/s relationship is a give and take. Especially when it comes to aftercare. After a session of play, a good Dom knows it is then their turn to care of their submissive, whether that means talking them down from their high, bathing them, bandaging cuts or just being there beside them. Having read the books myself, I was shocked at the selfishness of Christian. His harshness and lack of aftercare is appalling.

To top it all off, the portrait painted of BDSM by James looks more like abuse to the discerning eye. For me, the epitome of this is the scene in which Christian loses himself in the moment as he is beating Ana. In everyday terms, that would be called battery. His lack of attentiveness to her is inexcusable. Clearly, he is invested in their agreement only because of what he gets out of it. The romanticization of such a controlling and intimidating partner is damaging. Christian is repeatedly coercive and manipulating, whether he is legitimately threatening Ana or ignoring her safeword. No matter the context of your relationship, if you are being treated like Ana is, it is time to get out.

James’ work is the kind of thing that keeps my community in the closet. The portrayal of us as an inherently damaged group of people trying to make up for something via debauchery is completely absurd. Personally, I would be out if it weren’t for the media-created image. I am just as proud of my relationship as anyone, willing to share and educate anyone who will listen. However, knowing that I may not be taken seriously is a real concern for me.

If you are interested in entering a real D/s relationship, or merely looking to add a bit of kink to your life, there are much better resources out there than Fifty Shades of Grey. If you are looking to see a complete list of Mr. Grey’s transgressions, I recommend the master list complied by blameitonthepatriarchy on tumblr, the link to which can be found below. Alternately, if you are interested in getting involved in something actually healthfully and consensually kinky, there are resources to be found everywhere on the web. More people than you think are into this kind of lifestyle. Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Just know that the money spent on the admission fee to the theater to see Fifty Shades can be better spent. The harm it does outweighs the novelty of the experience. No such perpetuation of abuse should be encouraged.

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